Editor’s note: Last year, we had so much fun with The Yule Logs advice on gift-giving that we asked them back to give us some party tips. It might not be such a good idea to let these holiday crooners run wild with the pen, but for better or (mostly) worse, they’ve come up with another kickass list for you to enjoy… Party at your own risk!
Top 7 Ways to Improve Your Holiday Party
By: The Yule Logs
Seeing as how The Yule Logs are the “World’s Greatest Christmas and Hanukkah Rock ‘n’ Roll Band™,” we get invited to a shit ton of holiday parties. We would love to say that every one of them is a rousing success, but occasionally we wind up at what’s referred to as a “stinker.”
Since the band has been doing this seven years running, we have developed seven sure-fire ways to enliven the evening, no matter the cost.
1. Mistletoe Belts
Let’s be honest: oral sex is a highly underutilized facet of the holiday spirit. That’s why a simple mistletoe belt is capable of bringing that extra jangly burn to your jolly green loins and jolly green party.
And we must emphasize that said belts are not exclusive to men, nor the straight community – we encourage women and same-sex couples to the fullest.
2. Upper-Decking the Toilet
Nothing spices up a stale holiday party like taking a dump in the flushing compartment of a toilet. Feel free to choose between doing it in the water provided or, if you’re really looking to make a statement, drain the water out and dry-dock it. Dry-docking is especially key at your grandmother’s house. Won’t she be confounded.
3. Mounds and Mounds of Cocaine, in the Vein of George Michael
It doesn’t even matter if you enjoy the occasional whiff or not; just be sure to have lots of mirrors and piles of snow all around the house, and play nothing but Wham on the hi-fi. “Credit Card Baby” would be a preferred track, though we’d settle for a repeat listen of “Last Christmas,” as the entire video was filmed on a mountain of coke in Vermont.
4. Provide Blocks of Brie to Be Eaten Like Apples
Everybody loves a little brie this time of year, but most choose to use a knife and spread it on a cracker. This is incorrect. The correct cheese-eating form during the holiday season is shirtless and without utensils.
Be sure to heat the brie beforehand, as to allow for dripping upon your ruggedly heinous chest.
5. Engage in Random Acts of Spite
If the mood still isn’t jumping after the above measures have been taken, throw in a couple unfounded and malicious acts of spite to perk the atmosphere! Encouraged would be grabbing the smart phone of a friend and ruthlessly stomping it on the ground directly in front of them.
There’s also the timeless classic of throwing a scalding hot cup of cider straight into the face of your host… they really never see it coming.
While most use will use whipped cream for pumpkin pie and peach cobbler, a battle-tested party-goer knows that sucking the nitrous out of the can behind a parked SUV and slumping over in an easy chair is the true measure of Xmas fun.
Warning: Whippets may indeed break your winker, which most certainly lessens your chances of taking home that pretty boy and/or girl.
7. Squirt an Eye-Dropper of LSD Directly into Your Eyeball
This is the real show-stopper. Won’t your friends be surprised to find you’ve permanently altered your consciousness for the sake of a holiday party laugh? “Oh that Timmy. He sure does know how to liven up a Christmas party. Too bad he’s dead on the inside.”
I tell ya, it really is something to look in a man’s eye and know he’s pretty much lost in the deep end for the rest of eternity.
Celebrate Hanukkah with The Yule Logs! Listen to their new song “Latke Man” and download for free!
You Ruined Christmas, the third album of The Yule Logs’ twisted holiday originals and vandalized classics, is available at TheYuleLogs.bandcamp.com, CDBaby.com/cd/TheYuleLogs and on iTunes!
Find out more about The Yule Logs on their official site YuleLogsMusic.com, follow them on Twitter @TheYuleLogs and like them at Facebook.com/TheYuleLogs
Now, watch them make merry with “Christmastime is Here (Again!)”