By: Adam Bernard
Now that everyone in Generation X has officially crossed the age 30 milestone, there are certain drinks that we should never be seen holding again. If you happened to be over the age of 40, consider this a serious intervention, because I’m about to tell you something your friends want you to know, but won’t bring up to your face. Oh, make no mistake, they joke about it behind your back.
Quite frankly, if you’re still sipping any of the following drinks, you’ve earned that mocking fair and square.
I refer to anything in this assortment of drinks as Fisher Price “My First Alcoholic Beverage.” They all have twist off tops, but in reality should be outfitted with pacifiers, as no one without the suffix “teen” in their age should be caught drinking them.
We get it, everyone needs a starter drink, but there’s no reason to keep the training wheels on. When the kids playing beer pong are looking down on what you’re drinking, and they’re gulping down beer that’s had a dirty ping pong ball floating in it that has also possibly been in a dog’s mouth, you should figure out it’s time to move on.
Hard lemonade was a great alcoholic beverage of choice when you were a frat boy looking to get a sorority girl drunk, but once you’ve stopped wearing Greek letters on a hoodie, you need to let the hard lemonade go. Some may even argue you should not be drinking it in college at all.
There is one hard lemonade company that recently ran an ad campaign claiming hard lemonade is a good way to “switch up your tailgate party.” Let me tell you the truth about that. The only thing it’s going to switch up is whether or not they let you into the stadium… and they rightfully should not.
If you’re ordering shots at age 30+, said shot should contain no more than one word, like tequila, rum or vodka, unless it’s a brand name. Creative names for shots usually mean it’s a concoction with very little alcohol, and a whole lot of nonsense. And ladies, while it was cute to order a “blowjob” shot when you were 21, it’s just plain sad at 31, and horribly desperate at 41.
Jello shots fall under the same umbrella. As an aside, if you have enough room in your fridge to store Jello shots, it’s another sign that your life might not be quite on track. Make your shots real, or don’t have shots at all.
There was a time when we enjoyed ordering spirits that required bartenders to mix strange, and often trendy, bottles of alcohol to create oddly named digestible glow sticks. Quick question – have you been to a rave recently? If not, it’s time to the leave anything that resembles a rave in a glass alone as well.
The next time you order an Incredible Hulk it should either be a movie ticket, or a toy for your kid.
At some point a bartender decided that martinis tasted too much like martinis, and started throwing other things in them so people who were lightweights could hold martini glasses and feel trendy. This gave birth to such abominations as the apple-tini and the choco-tini.
Guess what? Neither of those concoctions, or their numerous spinoffs, are actually martinis. Acceptable martini ingredients are gin or vodka, and vermouth. That’s it! If you’re adding anything else to it, please subtract yourself from the bar.
A lot of us cracked forties back in the day, but at a certain point in time you need to realize there’s no need to have 40 oz of anything at once. The notion that your alcoholic beverage needs to be the size of a Super Big Gulp is crazy! A simple bottle or can of beer is easier to hold, and won’t get warm, which forties tend to do unless you drink them really quickly.
You’re not in a 1992 rap video. Get over it.
Drinks like the Irish Car Bomb were invented for two reasons – to get you wasted as quickly as possible, and to make bars a ton of money. It’s really kind of genius, a drink that the bartender knows you have to finish in ten seconds or it will be ruined. You have no choice but to come back immediately afterward to order something different. That way, the bar makes more money, and the bartender has doubled the amount of tips he’s made from you and your buddies.
The moral of the story is that you should be smarter than that now. Someone who is approaching or hitting middle age should never have the chant of “chug” ringing in their ears.